Forever cycling, around and around. There is no end. The days keep coming; one struggle to get out of bed followed by another and another. There is no end, no peace. It should be better than this. I shouldn’t be tired all the time. Tired and lethargic and heavy – so heavy. I should be able to move, pick up my arms and throw them above my head in weightlessness. I should be able to pick up my head from the desk and hold it high… should be able to open my eyes without them clouding over with sleeplessness that makes them sting. I should be able to feel something other than this; if this is all there is I really don’t see a point to bothering with it anymore.
Let me live, oh fuck please.
When I was with Albie, I freaked him out by making him bleed.
I need someone who will fuck me until... it hurts. I need someone who will let me hurt them. I love it when it hurts. When my hair is pulled out... I loved it when Albie scratched me as hard as he could while fucking the life out of me. I loved it when Nathaniel put his hands around my neck and squeezed.
When Albie was scratching me, peeling away my skin while ramming into me... I thought I would fucking die. Is there anything more exquisite?
These images make me hot...
They contain nudity and/or disturbing material, so don't lool if you are weary.
( I WILL be fucked like an animal.Collapse )
I tried cocaine for the first time last night.
It was beautiful. I want to do it again, but I will hold off because I know that I have an addictive personality and do NOT want to become addicted to drugs. But it was intense and beautiful.
Nathan, who is married, and I have been hanging out alot. I am attracted to him, but would never, and I mean NEVER act on it.
But last night, after he left, he asked me if he could kiss me when he saw me next. I thought he was kidding, so I said "only if he had aids". He replied he did. So I asked him if he were serious, and he said he was. I said that, while I like him, we can only be friends. That's it.
That is it.
Nathan said he would get me some speed. I am really curious about drugs at the moment. I just want to try.
But I am scared of why.
In the last two weeks, I have been silly.
First there was Nathaniel.
Brown eyes, blue/grey eyes. Tall, white as a lily and thin.
He came over. We watched DVDs. Went to my room. Watched DVDs. He touched me. I kissed him. Undressed him. Sucked his dick.
Made him shake all over. Made him say "dammmmmmmn girl" and tremble.
He touched me, made me feel. He kept saying that I could tell him to stop.
But I didn't. I wanted it. He put his hand inside, it hurt and I came. I kissed him, and we hugged. He held me and we talked.
Then he took me to the look out. I looked at the lights and cried. We talked. He drove and I cried. We arrived back at my house. I went in alone.
Two days later, Fraser. Tall, although shorter than Nathaniel. Blonde/brown hair in a mohawk/mullet. He wore cardigans and skinny leg jeans. We were drunk. I kissed him. He put his hand up my top.
We turned the lights off. I ripped his top off and kissed his chest. I sucked his nipples, and bit his lips. His hands carved my sorrow away. Became tangled in my hair. We didn't look one another in the eyes.
I took his pants off, and he lifted my skirt up. I asked him if he had a condom. He didn't. I said 'who cares?' and he started to protest. We fucked anyway. I didn't let him come. It felt so good. We both shivered.
We had to stop. I gave him head. Made him come, and I swallowed. He held me. Then I held him and kissed his spine. Never heard from him again.
Nathaniel again. I sucked his dick, making him shiver and moan and cry. I had my period. He gave me a back massage, and, when I asked, strangled me. I looke straight into his eyes when he had his hands around my neck. He scratched me between my breasts, made me bleed.
I looked at him while sucking his cock. He leaned forward and looked me in the eyes and smiled.
We hugged and talked till 8am.
He came over again. Tom came home while I was sucking Nathaniel. I asked Nathaniel to be quiet, so he bit down on my pillow.
Then James. About the same height as Fraser. Short black hair, huuuuge blue eyes.
I made him pasta. We watched Shortland Street. We chatted. Watched Gingersnaps in my bed. Lay down. He kissed me. He is a brilliant kisser. I licked his lips and then bit them. He gave me a back massage, kissing my spine and the sides of my breasts.
I fell asleep. He was gone in the morning.
Nathaniel came over again. We hung out. Kissed a little. Fooled around a bit. He said we can't do it anymore. He told me about his addiction to pornography. About how he wanted to fuck me really bad, but couldn't as I am not his wife. How he loved it when I had my lips on his dick. How I am the only woman that has made him come. Ever. That my eyes scare him. That they are forever changing.
That my face is stunning. That he loves my bone structure. That my breasts are beautiful. That he likes the curve of my belly.
I just want to fuck, fuck, FUCK.
When Jevon came over the other night, I almost kissed him.
Fucking makes me feel.
I am a little stoned at the moment.
Sometimes when you're going so fast, everything seems so slow. Like you're not even moving. I almost wrote bleeding becauseI am listening to Metallica's "Bleeding Me", courtesy ofTom even though he doesn't kow it yet.
I want to watch this DVD I got given to borrow today, but I also want to read my new book or sleep or draw.
I am outta smokes. Fuck. But I know that if I go to the shop I will buy something to eat.
I am so hollow.
Fill me with something.
Last night, I set myself an almost impossible goal. I am going to push myself to acheive it, though. I must, I must, I must.
I am scared of not reaching it.